


Broken Chords, Christmas Lights

by fangirlsplosion



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-16 03:16:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5811631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlsplosion/pseuds/fangirlsplosion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has been acting strange towards Phil for months. And then he breaks up with him and leaves. Eventually Phil finds out why.<br/>WARNING: Depression, Minor Swearing</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. They Barely Kissed,

The day Dan told Phil he was moving out, it was autumn. Golden leaves glowed from the trees near their apartment, littering the streets in piles. That day was a rare summery one, and the sun shone warmly down into their rooms.  
It was the sun that woke Phil up; surprisingly he had slept through the banging and crashing in the room next door. He rubbed his eyes- it had been another sleepless night. They were all too common these days, nights when he would lay awake thinking of Dan and how it all went wrong. When did everything turn sour?  
They didn't sleep together anymore.  
They barely kissed.  
Sometimes they would try and watch anime at breakfast together, but the last time they had done that Dan had left halfway through, slamming the door to his room. He just acted as if Phil didn’t exist.  
  
Dan currently seemed to be slamming the drawers of his cabinet.  
'Dan?! What's going on?' Phil called as he entered Dan's room, still trying to rub the last of the sleep out of his eyes. He paused, stopped still, one hand still frozen on his face, the other hanging limply at his side.  
'Dan?'  
There was a suitcase on the floor. And in the suitcase were Dan's belongings- most of his belongings. In the corner of the room Phil could see a picture of him and Dan at Disneyland. They looked so happy there. The bin was also in the corner. Specifically, the photo was in the bin.  
_No. This isn't happening. This can't happen, not to us._  
'Phil.' Dan's voice sounded strange, strangled, like he was struggling to breathe. It almost sounded like a question, as if he was asking Phil why he was even here anymore. Why he was there for Dan to leave.  
'A holiday huh? I didn't know you were visiting your family- but you should tell me next time 'Kay?'  
Dan looked at the ground, pulling at his fingers in his left hand. 'I'm not going to visit my family.' If Phil concentrated he would have noticed that when Dan looked up he was looking up for help. His eyes begged for it, his hands were shaking. But Phil was dazed, busy looking at the photo in the bin. Dan was holding candy floss and his arm was around Phil's shoulders.  
The help didn't come, so the curtains pulled shut across the open window. 'I'm leaving Phil. Moving out.'   
'Oh.' Dan was right. Phil didn't care. 'Well, maybe that is a good idea for us to have a break from each other. We are going through quite a rough patch at the moment. All couples do though.'  
'Permanently. I'm leaving. Permanently.'  
  
Phil stared at Dan, his ocean eyes spinning into a whirlpool of confusion and hurt and fear. Dan zipped up the bag, gripped the handle tight in his hand.  
'What did I do wrong? You don't love me anymore?!' Phil choked out. Dan's eyes hardened. He sealed off his heart. Then: 'I don't love you. And I don’t want to see you again. Goodbye.' Dan ignored Phil's pleas. He brushed past him, taking care to avoid running over Phil's foot with his suitcase. _It will be better_ , he told himself.  
It wasn't.


	2. It Wasn't Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil is trying to cope without Dan, and it is difficult. Months past, and now it is Christmas Eve.

Somehow Phil managed to get by in the weeks that followed. He distracted himself by filming heaps of videos- except when he tried to edit them, even he could see the emptiness in his voice, the dark circles under his eyes. He deleted the videos, clicking hard, brow scrunched up in anger.  
Phil moved out of their apartment. Happy memories ambushed him from every corner, sinking their claws into his heart, dreams and whispers the he would try to snatch before they vanished into thin air. The apartment he rented was smaller, with a colourfully tiled kitchen and wooden floors.  
Months past. Phil felt himself slipping. It wasn't Dan leaving. Well, it was that. But what really got to him, what drove right into his core one of those flesh-eating bugs, were the questions.  
 _What did I do wrong?  
_ _If Dan hates me, then why did he used to say he loved me?  
_ _Why did he use to kiss me?  
_ _Why aren't we like that photo anymore?_  
But however many questions Phil asked, there were hundreds more from fans. Phil created a new, private Tumblr account because guess what? He didn't know any of the answers to the zillions of questions the fans asked him. 'Ask Dan!' he felt like screaming. He deleted his Twitter app.  
Dan had completely stopped posting videos, it was like he'd disappeared off the face of the Earth.

 

Phil chose not to visit his family on Christmas. 'Are you sure?' he could hear the anxiety in his Mum's voice.  
'Don't worry Mum, I've just decided to spend Christmas with some friends. I'll visit soon, okay?' He lied. He couldn't. His mum would see right through him, would see the drowning, stamping, aching, burning, whatever-metaphor-you-want-to-use of his heart. He couldn't pretend with his family.

His mum did call on Christmas Eve though. Phil's hand lingered over the phone, tips of fingers magnetised towards the 'end call' button. He knew he couldn't hang up on his mum without talking to her first. Phil picked up the phone, smothering his voice in a cheerful smile and lots of 'I love you's. As soon as he hung up Phil slid down the wall, felt himself separate into pieces on the floor. He didn't know how long he stayed like that: Ten minutes, twenty minutes, an hour? With a lot of effort he scrambled out of the hole, and ordered a pizza. He needed to have something for dinner after all. Then he crawled to the sofa where he curled into a ball and held himself tight and felt cold tears drip down his chin.

   
Suddenly there was a knocking at the door. _Wow, that was record time_ , Phil thought dully. _I should probably give them a tip._ Phil opened the door, hoping that the pizza man wouldn't notice the redness in his eyes.  
It wasn't the pizza man.  
'Hey,' Dan whispered, biting his lower lip anxiously.


	3. Christmas Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After months of silence, Dan has finally appeared on Phil's doorstep. Can Phil forgive him?

_I should shut the door. I should shut the door now_ , Phil thought. He didn't shut the door. It seemed that his hand was incapable of moving, transfixed on Dan's features, on Dan's voice, on Dan's presence.  
'Why are you here?' Phil said as coldly as he could muster.  
'I needed to see you. I've needed to see you for a long time.'  
'You changed your phone number. I haven't seen you in three months.'  
'I can explain-'  
'You can explain?! You can explain why you started treating me like crap, why you ignored me, why you left and didn't come back and suddenly, out of nowhere, have turned up on my doorstep on fucking Christmas Eve?!'  
Dan flinched. Phil rarely swore.  
'Phil...' He said it softly, drawing out the word like it was glowing. Phil felt his heart being hung from the rafters.  
'Why?' He repeated, his grip on the doorknob tightening.  
'It's complicated. There are a lot of-' Dan took a deep breath, brown eyes looked straight into Phil's blue eyes. 'A lot of things.' Dan's irises were swimming in a sea of salt that threatened to spill and flood his face. He took another breath.  
Phil crossed his arms protectively over his chest. 'Well go on.' Why was he letting Dan do this to him? Why was he actually engaging in a conversation with him?  
'I never meant to leave you. I had depression again, but this time it hit more powerfully than ever. And it's Christmas Eve and I missed you so much and I couldn't stand not seeing you anymore. PJ gave me your new address and I figured that things can't get worse than they already are so I might as well turn up.'  
His eyes overfilled and drips of salt tears began to streak his cheeks.  
Phil loved him. He wanted to wipe the drops off his face and tell him everything would be okay and wrap him in a blanket of warmth and take him inside and snuggle with him and comfort him and make sure he was never lonely, like he used to.

He loved him.  
And there he was, teardrops and raindrops cascading down his face in broken chords, the Christmas lights from the city shattering on his marble skin, brown hair speckled with ice crystals.  
'Forgive me... Please.'  
'The things you said-' Phil said, his voice breaking, trying to not let his bubbling cauldron of emotions overpower him.  
'I know. I know, and I can't take them back and I've hated myself for the past three months for it. But I didn't mean any of them. None of the things I said were true! I love you more than anything, and you're the most wonderful, kind, sweet person in the world.' Dan shook out those last words, his voice desperate. Phil wanted to take his blue hands, to rub the warmth back into them.  
'And I don't deserve you. But I love you.'  
'Why did you say them then? Why were you even mad at me in the first place?!' Phil struggled to dim the riding hysteria in his voice.  
'Because I was depressed and I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't- couldn't pretend- that we were in a sweet, happy romantic ever after when I felt like I was drowning every minute.'  
'So you took it out on me?'  
'Yes. And then I felt awful for the things I said to you, and at the time I was so depressed and confused that I wasn't sure that I even wanted to be with you.'  
'Why didn't. You. Just. Say?'  
Dan looked at the snow sprinkled pavement. 'Because I felt embarrassed about it... I have no reason to be depressed. I have a wonderful life. But I just am. And I thought maybe you wouldn't understand- and the idea of me telling you and you not understanding it was worse than not telling you at all. A lot of the time I joke about my feelings and so if I told you and you thought it wasn't serious…. It was a really scary concept. And then when it got really bad I thought you wouldn't care.'  
Phil shook his head. 'I still don't understand why it's taken you this long to come to me.'  
'Because I thought you hated me- heck, you probably do. But it was all too much tonight- the happiness everywhere, people celebrating Christmas with their loved ones.'  
Dan wiped his nose which threatened to drip, and wiped his face and eyes.  
'I'm so sorry Phil. More sorry than I've ever been for anything, more sorry than I probably ever will be for anything. I know I can never take those words back. But they were empty. I know I can never take what I did back. But that was just my confused, messed up mind playing tricks on me.'  
'Are you taking counseling?'  
Dan looked as shocked as Phil felt. What the hell was he doing? Was he actually considering giving Dan a second chance? After everything?  
'I- I uh, didn't see the point of it after what happened with you. I kind of lost my... my reason to live. But I promise I will. I promise I'll get better.'  
'How do I know you're not just using depression as an excuse?'  
'I'm not using it as an excuse! I still think the things I did to you are inexcusable! But now you can at least understand why I did them. You know I wouldn't lie to you.'  
'I'm not entirely sure of that anymore.' Phil said, knowing the words would hurt Dan and despising himself for it.  
Dan shook, and Phil began to worry about him catching hypothermia. After all, he had been walking for over an hour to get here (he must have walked, he was sopping wet), in the freezing cold rain, and was only wearing jeans and a jumper. 'Okay.' Dan's voice splintered, cracks forming in the word. 'Okay, that's okay. You shouldn't take me back. It's fine Phil, I understand. I just wanted to tell you I love you.' Dan turned to go, his hands thrust as far as they could into his pockets, his body shaking with sadness and cold and the exploding of his heart like a dying sun.  
 _Goddamnit, I love you._ Phil grabbed the fabric of Dan's jumper, spun him towards him with ease _(Oh my God, Dan's so light, has he been eating anything?)_ and kissed him so hard his mind went numb. Dan leaned against him, melting into Phil's arms, knees weak and mind whirling. When Phil realised that Dan seemed genuinely in danger of collapsing on his doorstep, he swung them both inside and shut the door on the cold. Phil's soul was tingling on his lips, pouring from himself, into Dan, and back again. They broke apart, gasping for breath.

And then Dan started crying, _really_ crying this time, uncontrollable sobbing that consumed his body. Phil gently took his hand and led him to the sofa, where he wrapped him in a blanket of warmth and stroked his hair and told him 'everything will be okay'.  
Phil was also very conscious of the fact that Dan was shivering and wet and freezing. Ten minutes after he settled him on the sofa, Phil lifted himself off Dan, removing his head from his shoulder. 'You should get changed Dan. You've got goosebumps all over.'  
Phil led Dan to his bedroom where he handed him a clean shirt and a pair of jeans. Just then there was a knock at the door. 'The pizza!' Phil exclaimed, having completely forgotten it in all that had happened. Dan smiled softly. 'You ordered pizza?'  
Back in the old days, the days before everything went sour, Dan and Phil would cuddle together under the blankets in their living room and play a movie while they ate pizza.  
Phil kissed Dan lightly on the cheek and went to fetch the food. An hour later, there they were, sitting on the sofa under Phil's duvet and gorging themselves while they watched Home Alone. 'You know,' Dan said between mouthfuls, 'this isn't actually that bad a Christmas Eve.'

Phil smiled softly and nudged him under the blanket with his toe.  
Dan yawned and bit down on the last of his crust before leaning his head on Phil's shoulder.  
'Dan?'  
'Yeah?'  
'You can stay tonight, since its Christmas and its late, but I don't think you should move in just yet. We should take things slowly.'  
'That's fine by me.'  
'And you have to see a counselor. And regularly talk to me about your feelings. We can work through this.'  
Dan paused. 'Okay.'  
'Good.' Phil kissed his head, nuzzling his hair. 'I love you.'  
'I love you too.'


End file.
